Harry Potter and the Cats
by whatatravesty
Summary: Cats are the new sensation at Hogwarts! While the castle is overrun with pets, meanwhile an unlikely relationship forms, although each has a shocking secret. And danger lurks just around the corner...


Over the summer of 1993 the wizarding community of Great Britain was enthralled by the new "lolcat" meme which was going viral on the internet. Popularity of the feline pet soared, and this year every incoming student of Hogwarts was planning to bring a pet. Hogwarts had always allowed students an owl or a cat or a toad, but this year there would be no owls or toads. Pet shops of Diagon Alley barely could meet the unprecedented demand, and it was rumoured that they used time-turners to speed up the breeding process.

The news of an escaped mass-murdered was drowned in the media buzz about cats.

By the time September 1 rolled around, every student had acquired at least one cat, somehow. And thus the Hogwarts Express departed at 11am, loaded with students and their cats.

As the train left the station, three third-year Gryffindors found an empty compartment and settled in, talking over the sounds of the surrounding meows and purrs.

"Where did you get your cat, Hermione?" Harry asked.

She replied, "I bought him at the Magical Menagerie in Diagon Alley. You? I wasn't sure the Dursleys would let you out to get one."

"Mrs. Figg let me have one for the year! I was afraid to ask her to let go her beloved Mr. Tibbles, but she was really excited for him to have the opportunity to live at Hogwarts. What about you, Ron? I thought you were having trouble affording one."

Ron looked a little embarrassed. "No, we couldn't pull enough money together. So I transfigured my rat Scabbers into a cat. But don't tell anybody, okay? And don't call him Scabbers, I don't want anybody to know. His cat name is Peter."

"It's okay, your and Peter's secret is safe with us." Hermione assured him.

Ron, blushing, changed the subject. "Ha! Oh yeah, you guys hear about that mass murderer who broke out of Azkaban?" he asked.

The three friends conversed and the eight-hour train ride occurred without incident. The train arrived at the Hogwarts station, and the students collectively herded the thousands of cats towards the castle. All the students looked around eagerly to see what kind of cats other students had. Parvati and Padma Patil had a pair of identical twin siamese cats. Draco Malfoy, who was rich and a total douche, had a really fancy and pretentious-looking lynx. Neville Longbottom looked like he had lost his cat, and he was looking around anxiously.

Nobody noticed the ominous dog standing afar, looming over the group as it trekked towards the castle.

Instead, one thing was on many of the students' minds: would Hogwarts be able to handle this many cats?

Fortunately, the students needed not worry. In anticipation of the incoming pets, the Hogwarts board of governors voted to allocate a significant budget for cat accommodations. This was much to the pleasure of the caretaker Filch, who had a cat of his own, Mrs. Norris. In high spirits for once, Filch had eagerly decorated Hogwarts with scratching posts, moving platforms to climb around on, and enchanted mouse toys. Litter boxes and cat food stations were on every floor, to be tended by the house elves.

When the masses reached Hogwarts proper, the cats scampered off to explore the castle, their home for the upcoming school year, while the students milled into the Great Hall for the welcoming feast. The sorting took place, and then Dumbledore began his speech. He reminded the students of various rules, such as that many items are banned and that there should be no magic in the corridors. He then introduced the new professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts, a qualified instructor with impressively few hidden agendas and very little plot relevance.

Classes at Hogwarts begin immediately, the day after arrival, and so students were quickly inundated with their classes and homework. Therefore the cats were mostly left to their own devices as they settled into their new home over the following week. Some cats preferred to lurk down in the dungeons, where it was nice and cool; others preferred to hang out in the upper floors, where they had beautiful views through the windows. By Thursday evening, the cats had almost definitively divided themselves into two groups.

The dungeon-dwellers saw themselves as "rough-and-tough". They played in the mud, hunted vermin mercilessly, hissed at passerby, and clawed helpless first-years. The cats living at the top acted prim and proper: they slept in the sunlight, licked themselves clean, and gently used that adorable kneading reflex on any wizard or witch who stopped by to pet them. The two gangs did not get along. They frequently fought when they met, usually on one of the intermediate floors. Establishing a clear boundary between two territories was no easy task, given Hogwarts's unconventional geometry.

But there was one witch paying a lot of attention to the cats' behaviour. Professor McGonagall was never really a people-person; she didn't socialize with the other faculty much, and she tended to keep to herself. But, as an animagus, she finally found that she fit in somewhere: among the high-up gang of cats in Hogwarts. Each evening, after finishing classes and other duties, she transformed into a tabby cat and headed to the seventh floor, where she socialized with her new friends. She took pains to transfigure herself out-of-sight, so the other cats wouldn't know her secret.

By Saturday, tension between the two gangs was getting serious. McGonagall had established a reputation for her fairness and intelligence, and so Mr. Tibbles presented her with a request. "Meow meow purrr meow. Purr meow." he said.

"Meow meow meow meow purr. Meow meow." she replied.

"Meow."

And so it was settled - McGonagall would peacefully meet with a dungeon cat named Peter to work out boundaries of territory.

Thus McGonagall arrived on the third floor, right on time, as was her modus operandi. Peter arrived a few minutes afterwards. He was… more handsome than she had expected. A bit scraggly, and a little timid in posture, but McGonagall saw a fierceness in those cat eyes, a passion, a metaphorical tiger on the inside looking out. McGonagall blushed a cat's blush hoping Peter wouldn't notice.

McGonagall wasn't the only one so struck. Peter was enamoured by the tabby cat's beauty. It was love at first sight. He pounced, and it went from there.

For eight weeks Minerva McGonagall and Peter conducted their affair in secret. Their respective gangs would surely not approve of their Romeo and Juliet-esque romance. But of course, each had their own secret from each other - McGonagall could not let Peter realize that she was actually a human animagus. Peter could not let McGonagall know that he was actually a rat named Scabbers, although unlike Minerva he had no magical ability to revert this at will.

Both feared that they would give away their secret by insufficient ability to act catlike. McGonagall spent her lunch breaks reading Muggle research articles on cat mating behaviour (in incognito mode, of course).

Peter didn't have access to such resources and he watched the other dungeon dwellers to learn basic cat behaviours. He learned how to clean himself by licking his body. He learned how to hiss and growl and protract his claws menacingly. Surely Minerva wanted a tough tomcat if she was dating a dungeon dweller.

In fact, Peter hadn't meant to join the dungeon dwellers in the first place. They were so scary-and they prided themselves on eating vermin. As soon as he had entered Hogwarts, terrified and still uncomfortable in his cat body, he had rushed to the dank basements where he felt at home as a rat. Before he knew what was going on, he was assumed to be a part of the dungeon-dwellers gang.

On the evening of October 31, Halloween night, and Minerva McGonagall was anxious, sitting with the professors at the front of the Great Hall. The Halloween feast was lasting longer than expected, and Peter would have snuck away from the dungeons by now, waiting by the castle entrance for her. They had a romantic date planned for the night: they would wander the castle grounds and take a moonlit walk by the lake, pausing to snatch their paws at fish in the water.

But as Dumbledore drolled on and on about how great the pumpkin pie was, or something, McGonagall just imagined how she would have to find a safe place to transfigure, run out to the grounds and purr an excuse to Peter.

Then the unthinkable happened.

The doors to the Great Hall burst open, and in walked mass-murderer Sirius Black. Harry Potter jumped up and yelled _Expelliarmus_ which did nothing which Sirius deflected easily, and then Sirius stunned Harry with a _Stupefy!_

But Minerva paid no attention to this skirmish. She could only see who Sirius was carrying under his arm-it was Peter, who he must have picked up on the way in. Suddenly Sirius pulled out a knife and sliced off Peter's head, and threw the bloody corpse at his feet.

Then he shouted to the hall, "In Azkaban we have our own meme which puts your lolcats to shame! And it named _Doge!_ Doge is so great, I became an animagus in his image to escape Azkaban. And now I'm going to kill all your stupid cats! Every last one of them!" He laughed a maniacal laugh.

But he was interrupted by another cry: "You won't get my Mrs. Norris, you fucker!" Then Filch (who was a squib and couldn't use a wand) pulled out a machine gun and shot Sirius Black to pieces.

 _This can't be happening,_ though Minerva. _It's all my fault Peter was outside. He was waiting out there for me._

Then Hermione jumped out of her seat and shouted "killing an organism in its transfigured state doesn't kill the original organism!" She pointed her wand at Peter. " _Finite Incantatem!"_

Peter transformed back into a rat. McGonagall looked in shock. Peter was actually Ron Weasley's rat, Scabbers! McGonagall rushed over to the rat and picked him up. She looked into his eyes, for the first time, seeing him for who he is really was. And Scabbers looked into McGonagall's eyes, and when he did, he could tell who she was.

And it was then, as they looked at each other, seeing each other's true selves, it was then that they realized: true love knows no boundaries. Any obstacle, being from different gangs, or being from different species, any obstacle could be overcome with love.

Well, mostly magic.

But also love.


End file.
